I didn’t see that coming…

We often wonder where to start, is it the beginning, middle or end, do I start with the pandemic, the fact that I fell out of love with running, my boy heading off to university and the fact that my body no longer bleeds.

Shall I start with the positives, I now understand the difference between a vagina and a cunt, a Lotus birth, a free birth, home birth, hospital birth, and most importantly the freedom to choose.

I say I didn’t see that coming but I did, my intuition told me at the start of the beginning of this New year 2020 that something wasn’t right. 

something within me wasn’t sitting right, but as I’ve done for years I ignored it, I ignored my intuition.

Had I  some years ago listened to it, I would have walked a completely different path in my life, !!!!! but then maybe that wasn’t meant for me then, and it’s meant for me now.

I don’t know when it started and I don’t know how old I was before I realised, but I was brought up to believe showing the body as my mother used to call it, 

“mutton dressed as lamb” was dirty.

I think the issue sat with my father.

How can a child wearing a nighty  be seen as anything other than a child wearing a nighty.

They had to be long or they had to be pyjamas.

Reflecting back on my life that conditioning had a significant presence, that little seed sculpted & conditioned me to make choices That didn’t sit right with me,but Had been drummed into me from a young age.

To the point that I didn’t breastfeed my first child because my father disapproved, and in reflection my mother also…. yet for  now I’m going to leave that in a box of denial still, rest in peace mum.

When I decided to breastfeed my additional children my mother requested I mustn’t tell my father.

This woman, this warrior, !!!!!!!ME ….. 

had served her country and was too ashamed to let her father know she was giving her child in “my” opinion the best start “I”could think possible for her and me.

You see my father believed that there wasn’t really much purpose for women in the world,(I obviously understand now this was more about his own insecurities).

He was The reason I ran for many years, (became a runner) 

He was my drive to win at every level, He was THE reason I left home at 17, He was the reason I was willing to go to war and die.

How can you hate someone so much yet still want their approval.

Today it’s 09:00 hours January 2021.

2020 tried to destroy me.

I don’t know if 2020 saw me incapable of continually believing that I was capable of surviving  uncomfortable situations.

2020 was  a heavy year for all of us.

But there was a shift for me in January 20 before Covid even hit us!!!!

I’d heard about The virus hitting wuhan , like always I felt grateful as a country we were never impacted by these incredible viruses wiping out communities and tribes.

And then it came, and we closed our doors in March to the rest of the world and protected our own and here we still are as we step into 2021 the morning of, with the virus still at great strength.

I really struggled with the reality of this virus, I’ve not wanted to surrender to the rules but I don’t believe I’ve been in denial to the reality of it all.

I’ve been resistant to the mask, but being an introvert used it as an excuse to do less outdoors.

I’m an outdoor person, I am an ultra runner.

I know longer run to prove to my father as he is no longer present in my life,  I no longer run to prove to the men I served with that I am good enough, I no longer run to prove to my loved ones I am good enough, I no longer run to prove to myself that I am good enough, I run because I love it.

I am strong.

I’m a woman and I am a warrior.

My father, and in reflection my mother also, were angry humans, and I brought that into my own life, it took years of work to soften myself.

I’ve spent easily the last 27 years of my life on a spiritual and self-development journey.

Being a soldier probably slowed it down at the beginning of my life.

I just never seemed to fit in my own family and the expression of square peg in a round hole is perfect.

I never felt as though I was better than my parents, but I really felt as though something went wrong as though I was put there for a reason, but it certainly wasn’t to feel loved by my parents.

I read a book called women that run with wolves recently, she explains about being dropped off with the wrong family.

I so resonated with that,so resonated.

As a very young child I was very aware of poverty in the world, one Christmas, the fire engine with Santa Claus on top came down my street raising money for the local orphanage, the lights and noise was so beautiful, but still I felt the tears in my heart as I felt for the children that had nothing, 

I gave Santa five pounds and still Felt as though it wasn’t enough.

I wasn’t even a teenager at this point, yet still  I remember walking back indoors to see my father’s face, A face of disgrace with the words “Charity starts at home”.

As much as I knew I didn’t want to follow the same path as my parents, it Took many years of breaking down the conditioning that Had been part and put into me for 17 years.

I put up walls without even knowing I was doing it and protected myself against the world, my relationships and marriages suffered subsequently because of how I distrusted everyone around me.

My parents stayed in my life until the birth of my third child, my mum passed away four weeks after giving birth to Noah.

At that point I walked away from my father.

It’s been nearly 16 years since my mothers passing, the pain is still raw, and my work to become me as taken time with many many twists on the path.

In 2012 my first marriage broke down, in reflection we never really tried I was so angry,  I felt as though he was never there to support me as a mother, as a wife as a friend when I needed him the most, he was a serving soldier and the army came first.

And as much as he remains in my heart that he’s a great human being I know for me to have grown I had to walk away.

But it was messy and I walked away to go into a same sex relationship that challenged every part of myself.

I’m still not sure if I fell in love with her or the novelty of being wanted was what drove me, however she suffered with severe mental health issues, alcohol and gambling, yet it took me four years to get that person out of my life.

In 2016 I reconnected with my now husband, we had served together many years ago.

It was difficult at the beginning we had our own way, but had it not been for him this past year we would not be here financially.

And Lenny as always allowed me to be me.

It’s been a tough year for him but still he doesn’t stop me being creative and supports 100% my desire to be at home as much as financially possible for my children.

This year I step into the 47th year of my life a completely different person, I’m still working not to repeat cycles.

I know running no longer serves me, And I’m not sure right now if this is the indecisive side of my personality or if running will stay in my life or not.

today I started a 90 day commitment to myself to study yoga.

I’ve talked for many years about doing yoga and I start and I stop and I start and I stop.

Pulling back on the running and spending more time to be still is what I really need in my life right now.  And that’s okay.

For the first time in my life I feel free to be able to talk about sexuality openly and surrendering to the goddess that I am a woman.

Years of child conditioning and then training in the army made me disassociate from the feminine side of my body.

I saw being seen as a female as a weakness.

I no longer see that.

This period starting in January 2020 is seeing me Connect with so many beautiful beings, and letting go of some old ones that no longer serve my life, which I still send out with love.

I’m typing away as my four teenagers are online learning, I’ve been so resistant to technology throughout my life fighting this is no longer necessary as I accept it is serving us now.

As an introvert I don’t need much time with human contact and I’m very blessed to have four Human beings at home so loneliness isn’t a thing .

But I’m very aware that we are innate in nature and need humans and this year i am so ready to find my tribe .

Over the decades through Art therapy I have drawn my family.

 I draw my four children and me inside of the circle and their father was always on the outside of the circle.

I always drew it, as I felt as though that’s the way he wanted it, happy to sit back and let me take all the responsibilities of parenting.

I always felt as though he didn’t want to be involved or help take some of the burden at times as a parent from me.

Two years ago I drew again my family, at this point I had remarried and still I put him on the outside of the circle.

We both have very different ways of parenting and I know I’m very involved with my children as a parent.

Lenny my husband has always had a lot of support bringing up his daughters, something I’ve never had.

When Lenny came into our life he wanted me to do some things that felt right to him but wrong to me as a parent.

Initially I bent a little but then it started creating resentment because it didn’t sit right with me,  I had to take the risk of offending him for doing it my way.

Lenny has always worked away from home something I put out into the universe saying I didn’t want, after  beeing married into the army for decades and bringing up my children alone.

Lenny doesn’t choose to work away from home to get away from us, he does it to support us as the pay is better and allows me to carry on parenting the way I  want too.

I gained so much out of 2020, and if I was to summarise it I have to acknowledge that although I’ve parented alone and at times felt resentful,  I also have to acknowledge it was my choice, as I subconsciously wanted to do it my way alone.

I created the situation and the partners in my life to allow me to do that.

And gosh I’m so grateful for my children.

The photo was 2019 the painting was 2020.

Many people won’t see it but I do ….

it’s very visible,  I’m a stone heavier than I was in the photo, and although occasionally I have to pinch myself as I take a minute to accept the extra tummies as new 

I’m now 100% happier than I was in that photo❤️.