I wanted to share my 2020 if it helps one person move forward then everything I’ve pushed to do in life is being served.

I have spent my entire life as a leader and a motivator I’m a super believer in goal setting as most of you know,yet when 2020 hit us it hit me hard on the arse.

Purpose is what I struggled with.

I have an opinion and explanation that I use with my clients and what I completely live by and value.

“other peoples opinions of you is none of your business”.

Yet everything around us when it came to Covid seemed to have me feeling that that expression was no longer valid.

I felt lost because I didn’t know where we were heading.

I couldn’t take clients as I couldn’t hold space when I really wasn’t sitting easy with what was happening.

I felt I couldn’t be bothered as I didn’t know what tomorrow held.

I felt I couldn’t make plans or stick to goals, I struggled with the uncertainty as I realised I wasn’t in control of life.

When the stay-at-home order came for us all to stay indoors, only to leave for essentials, wearing gloves and a mask,The anxiety of leaving the house and seeing our once busy world looking like something out of a zombie apocalyptic movie made me not want to leave at all.

I’m was not scared of the virus 🦠 I think subconsciously I was scared of not feeling in control of the future.

I am an introvert and for anyone else that is, or understands an introvert, our present reality that we all find ourselves in right now is a perfect situation to allow an introvert to slip into seclusion.

I have no fear of being alone.

Let me explain this more.

Often people say to me when it comes to health or exercise related goals,  they’d say 

“it’s okay for you you’re motivated,”

“it’s okay for you this is all easy”.

Nothing is okay or easy for me, yet every single day of my life I have had to push myself out of the door.

I have had to make myself go for a run, or move my body in some form.

I’ve had to make myself pick healthier options over bad choices and I haven’t always got it right .

But what I do believe to be true is for our mental health we need to put some energy into good diet and fresh air.

I have always pushed myself out of comfortable situations and into uncomfortable ones.

If you ever watched my videos when I’m out on the trail I constantly say…..  

“remember the hardest part of this is getting outside that door, once you’re out the rest is easy”.

But in a sense I possibly misled you, because in actual fact the hardest part of all of it is doing it consistently, again and again and everyday, even when you really don’t want too. 

Mindfully setting small goals, not goals too high that if you don’t achieve them you feel like a failure.

I know the government was saying we where allowed to go out for daily exercise, but for me i seemed to stop, 

it was something I’ve done for many decades, yet I felt selfish going out and doing this, 

crazy I know as many people took up exercise for the first time in their entire life. Go figure 🤷‍♀️

My family and I are one of the lucky ones, we have a big enough garden so when it came to the children and all the animals we had space to move.

But for me it started building a giant wall around us that stopped me wanting to even venture out beyond it.

I don’t know when it started or what triggered that real thought to stop going out, obviously I was going out for essentials, but it stopped there.

Before quarantine I got pulled into a false sense of security with my daily routines, I could go shopping if I wanted to, walk the dogs, see

friends, go for a run, grab a coffee whenever I wanted to.

But the truth is  I was never really in control, because we are never truly in control of life.

I’ve lost loved ones without warning so I know that I’m not in control.

I’ve lost lots of money because of others.

I’ve had partners cheat on me and made mistakes that tore all my foundations and beliefs apart, I knew then I wasn’t in control of others.

People I have loved Have become very sick and passed away, and then I knew  ….. Still I wasn’t in control.

We don’t even truly know what life is going to look like from one day to the next.

I had to understand I hadn’t lost control of my life because I never had control to begin with.

What I had was  a false sense of security in my own ability to control the world around me.

When something happens to disturb that belief, when a crisis blasts that notion to hell I think the fallout left me unable to move forward.

The state of unknown that I was currently residing in is not new, only my awareness of it is.

I was never in control of the world only my response to it, I’m only in control of myself and my actions in the moment.

I decided I couldn’t keep living in my pain or loss and I stopped mourning the future that wasn’t mine to control anyway.

I had to make peace with the unknown, I had to accept that I didn’t know what the future would bring.

Coming to terms with and finding power in my past makes me warrior not week.

2020 had me looking at my past and seeing so much pain,I finally had to look at it as a gift rather than grief and because of it I am the strong woman I am today.

2020 saw me crying for who and what I’d lost.

But that was then, and to move forward I had to let go of that, and except I was only in control of me and go back to goal setting.

for me setting goals, keeping a journal is helpful for my growth.

I had to let go of other peoples opinions of me.

2021 thank you I’m finally ready.

So a little note and a giant hug for anyone of You struggling right now.

I hear you I hold space for you.

Now go get back out there and chase it.